I don't think I can do this much longer

I've tried. Seems ridiculous when you look at it. But this has been my primary social outlet for years now. Maybe I'm an utter fool. I don't know. I just find that I'm taking things more personally, I'm feeling more depressed, I'm feeling attacked and on a level that I think is utterly despicable. Going on makes me want to cry or I feel resigned. Seeing all the negativity and the ignorance. It used to be that I saw it as an opportunity to educate people. Now it seems like nothing I say comes out right. Anyone else can say the same thing and it's okay, but I say it and I'm vilified. I'm tired of it. Of all of it. I think I'm going to leave before Christmas. I just don't see the point anymore. That and people just seem bound and determined to remain ignorant and small-minded. I do have people that I have come to care about and who've been wonderful. They've been a fantastic support for me. And I love them. But I don't know that they can outweigh all the bad that's there right now. And I'm not even sure if I could stay away. But I'll give it one hell of a shot if I do.

She's gone

My stepmother Martha passed away this morning at 10:45 EST in Etobicoke, Ontario. She was 53 years young.

She apparently had a very rough night last night (she lost most of her blood last night), but was in high spirits this morning. She had her last rights and was insistent that she didn't want to be hooked up to machines. She's no longer in pain now. That's a blessing.

I'll miss her immensely even though I hadn't really talked much to her or the rest of the fam that frequently. I've never been really good at picking up the phone. And I always feel awkward talking to anyone on the phone.

I'm not sure whether or not I'm going down there. I have the option, it'll be paid for. But I have nowhere to stay and there isn't going to be a funeral. I get the feeling that dad and Louis (my brother) don't really want anyone to come down. If I can't I'm going to have to come up with some way to say my goodbyes and let her go.

I'm also worried about Kita and Rina (my kids). This is their first relative that has passed. I don't know how much they will understand. And how much they'll grieve. You see, they never met Grandma Martha. They'd talked to her on the phone, they've seen old pictures of her (from when I was a child). But they really didn't know her. They never met her. And the only opportunity Kita would have had, she wouldn't remember anyway.

I suppose I'm overanalysing. Right now it's keeping me together. I'm on an emotional roller-coaster and I have no idea when the next dip or hill is.

Managing One Day at a Time

I'm managing. I've made it out a couple of times. I've stressed a bit about them, but I'm getting better. Little by little. I still have little to no motivation and I'm still having issues with my other co-morbid issues (issues that are alongside the main disorder). I haven't had any real hypomanic episodes in a while. They do happen though. Especially when I start to get upset and animated. If I'm upset and depressed, I just stay depressed, though to a heightened degree.

My trichotillomania kicks off and I worry at the hairs on my chin. I'm starting to notice stray hairs everywhere again. I do multiples of things and I can't stop it. I have to have my meds laid out on Saturday night and the antinauseants need to be in one spot in my basket. If they aren't, I start to freak out. I want my family to help keep things clean and that would help me stay more stable, I know it would. But they just don't do it. And hubby still puts things off and off and off. It drives me crazy. I get so angry. I want to strangle him or scream at him. Something. But he never gets it!

And I want to try to get interested in things again. The stuff I was doing before. But I just don't care yet. *Sigh* I know I'm getting better, but I'm feeling like I just am not making the progress I would like. Still, it's progress and I have to recognise that.