I don't think I can do this much longer

I've tried. Seems ridiculous when you look at it. But this has been my primary social outlet for years now. Maybe I'm an utter fool. I don't know. I just find that I'm taking things more personally, I'm feeling more depressed, I'm feeling attacked and on a level that I think is utterly despicable. Going on makes me want to cry or I feel resigned. Seeing all the negativity and the ignorance. It used to be that I saw it as an opportunity to educate people. Now it seems like nothing I say comes out right. Anyone else can say the same thing and it's okay, but I say it and I'm vilified. I'm tired of it. Of all of it. I think I'm going to leave before Christmas. I just don't see the point anymore. That and people just seem bound and determined to remain ignorant and small-minded. I do have people that I have come to care about and who've been wonderful. They've been a fantastic support for me. And I love them. But I don't know that they can outweigh all the bad that's there right now. And I'm not even sure if I could stay away. But I'll give it one hell of a shot if I do.

Bullied about bullying?

So, I've been accused of being a bully. Which is interesting if only because I've never been accused of it before. That and the accuser only has one instance that she claims I bullied someone. I posted a contrary opinion to someone and said that I didn't see where she was coming from in an accusation she made. This apparently is bullying. Funnily though, the accuser then proceeded to not only bully me, but tried to defend their own bullying behaviour as just fair play because I had allegedly chased a bunch of people away with my meanness.

It's important to note here that I've been called one of the nicest posters on that site. Ironic, eh?

Well, unfortunately I let this person get to me for a bit. Then I got mad, then I just decided she wasn't worth it. She's obviously full of hate and isn't interested in people at all. Funny since she's supposedly a nurse. I wouldn't want her as one of mine, that's for sure.

Seriously though, are we in high school? Do I have to agree with someone 100% of the time to be seen as okay or nice or good? If so, screw you. Indeed, screw you. Grow the heck up. How freaking boring to always agree with everyone.

I am a nice person. If you have issues with me, pm me. Don't run away, tell a bunch of other people then expect me to be psychic and somehow know that I said something that upset you. How childish! I can't deal with things I don't know about. Grow up, get a backbone and tell me how I offended and personally ripped you apart with a statement you didn't agree with. Don't run to your friends to have them do it for you.

What this comes down to, I don't need the kind of negativity that this person brought to my life. She's mean, she's cruel and she thinks that she's all that and a bag of chips. Well, she's now on ignore and I don't need to know what she saying because if she IS saying anything, it isn't worth reading.

Feeling Discouraged

So, we're planning our vow renewal. And now I'm not sure how I feel. I love him, that's not the ish at all. That hasn't changed. What's changed is that I know there are a number of people that think wedding renewals are tacky. Especially the kind we were planning. Plus, our guest list just went from about 75 to 30. We really aren't friends with anyone anymore. All the people we went to school with, they're all single, have wandered off, and really haven't been there for us at all. There are a handful, they're still on the now almost non-existent guest list. But it just goes to show how isolated I really am. And how few friends I have.

That and I don't want to be seen as trying to capture something that I "missed the boat" on. Yes, I want to wear a beautiful wedding gown. I don't see why it should matter that I want to do that. I don't see why it should matter that I want a reception and a sort of wedding. Who does it hurt for me to have those when we didn't have them the first time? But still, I feel like crap that I'll be seen as tacky and greedy for wanting and having this. Even if there is a request for no gifts. Why is it so tacky to share my feelings about my husband with family and friends (the few I have).

No one in either of our families were at our first wedding. I wore a crappy dress from my closet and we had pizza at a local restaurant afterward. Why is it so bad to want my family to be there? Why is it so awful to ask my dad to walk me down the aisle to meet my hubby and tell everyone how much I love him and our children and appreciate all of their support for us and our marriage?

Ten years is pretty significant nowadays and now I feel like a piece of garbage for wanting this.

I'm sure that wasn't the intention of the people who called it tacky, but it's how I feel. And I want to cry.