Feeling Discouraged

So, we're planning our vow renewal. And now I'm not sure how I feel. I love him, that's not the ish at all. That hasn't changed. What's changed is that I know there are a number of people that think wedding renewals are tacky. Especially the kind we were planning. Plus, our guest list just went from about 75 to 30. We really aren't friends with anyone anymore. All the people we went to school with, they're all single, have wandered off, and really haven't been there for us at all. There are a handful, they're still on the now almost non-existent guest list. But it just goes to show how isolated I really am. And how few friends I have.

That and I don't want to be seen as trying to capture something that I "missed the boat" on. Yes, I want to wear a beautiful wedding gown. I don't see why it should matter that I want to do that. I don't see why it should matter that I want a reception and a sort of wedding. Who does it hurt for me to have those when we didn't have them the first time? But still, I feel like crap that I'll be seen as tacky and greedy for wanting and having this. Even if there is a request for no gifts. Why is it so tacky to share my feelings about my husband with family and friends (the few I have).

No one in either of our families were at our first wedding. I wore a crappy dress from my closet and we had pizza at a local restaurant afterward. Why is it so bad to want my family to be there? Why is it so awful to ask my dad to walk me down the aisle to meet my hubby and tell everyone how much I love him and our children and appreciate all of their support for us and our marriage?

Ten years is pretty significant nowadays and now I feel like a piece of garbage for wanting this.

I'm sure that wasn't the intention of the people who called it tacky, but it's how I feel. And I want to cry.

First Day of School 2009

So, the monkeys went to school today for the first time this school year. It was nice to get the break that school provides, but I missed them. I wish we had done more over the summer. The weather wasn't the greatest, but my issues made this summer crappy IMHO. If I could have handled being outside more we could have gone out more. The kids didn't really get to go swimming because I couldn't take being out in the open. Not really the greatest feeling knowing that summer was pretty much zorched due to my problems. Hopefully things will be much better next summer.



I also found my confidence took quite a hit in the last 48 hours. I thought I was looking pretty darned good. And certain others were quite supportive. But one person's opinion managed to get under my skin and made me feel like a fat, ugly, wrinkly piece of crap when I'm not like that at all. At least I don't think I am. I've been told that I look very young and most people wouldn't guess anywhere close to my age. But I guess no woman likes to be told that she's starting to age a lot.



Here's a pic, you be the judge: