She's gone

My stepmother Martha passed away this morning at 10:45 EST in Etobicoke, Ontario. She was 53 years young.

She apparently had a very rough night last night (she lost most of her blood last night), but was in high spirits this morning. She had her last rights and was insistent that she didn't want to be hooked up to machines. She's no longer in pain now. That's a blessing.

I'll miss her immensely even though I hadn't really talked much to her or the rest of the fam that frequently. I've never been really good at picking up the phone. And I always feel awkward talking to anyone on the phone.

I'm not sure whether or not I'm going down there. I have the option, it'll be paid for. But I have nowhere to stay and there isn't going to be a funeral. I get the feeling that dad and Louis (my brother) don't really want anyone to come down. If I can't I'm going to have to come up with some way to say my goodbyes and let her go.

I'm also worried about Kita and Rina (my kids). This is their first relative that has passed. I don't know how much they will understand. And how much they'll grieve. You see, they never met Grandma Martha. They'd talked to her on the phone, they've seen old pictures of her (from when I was a child). But they really didn't know her. They never met her. And the only opportunity Kita would have had, she wouldn't remember anyway.

I suppose I'm overanalysing. Right now it's keeping me together. I'm on an emotional roller-coaster and I have no idea when the next dip or hill is.

Waiting on the Edge of a Knife

My step-mother is ill. Her liver failed almost a year ago due to Hep-C and medications. They destroyed her liver completely. I'm not sure if she's on the waitlist for a new one or not, I believe she is. But, she is now in the ICU and "it doesn't look good."

I'm not entirely sure what that means. But I also can't seem to get an answer either. My dad isn't calling me to tell me what's going on. So I assume "no news is good news." But I don't know. And I hate not knowing. It makes things even more stressful.

And stressful is what my life is right now. No money, no prospect of money coming in. Not very happy. Hubby isn't working, not looking for work and I think he is also severely depressed (yay, right). I've convinced him to go see the family doctor to see if we can at least get a little bit extra for another disabled individual (even if temporary). It's not going to bring in what we need, but it's something.

Money again, since loving hubby FORGOT to file his tax return (which I did up for him), we had no child tax benefit in Aug. We also didn't get it in Sept either. His return is being "reviewed" and won't be done until at least November! But, at least these people told me to contact CRA CTB to have them do estimates. I wish I knew that weeks ago so we could have gotten our CTB this past month.

Oh well. Upside of the last week! UPSIDE!!!!

Three very lovely ladies sent us some gift cards to Sobeys that helped us get food to make it to our payment. Thank the Gods and Goddesses. You ladies are wonderful.

Managing One Day at a Time

I'm managing. I've made it out a couple of times. I've stressed a bit about them, but I'm getting better. Little by little. I still have little to no motivation and I'm still having issues with my other co-morbid issues (issues that are alongside the main disorder). I haven't had any real hypomanic episodes in a while. They do happen though. Especially when I start to get upset and animated. If I'm upset and depressed, I just stay depressed, though to a heightened degree.

My trichotillomania kicks off and I worry at the hairs on my chin. I'm starting to notice stray hairs everywhere again. I do multiples of things and I can't stop it. I have to have my meds laid out on Saturday night and the antinauseants need to be in one spot in my basket. If they aren't, I start to freak out. I want my family to help keep things clean and that would help me stay more stable, I know it would. But they just don't do it. And hubby still puts things off and off and off. It drives me crazy. I get so angry. I want to strangle him or scream at him. Something. But he never gets it!

And I want to try to get interested in things again. The stuff I was doing before. But I just don't care yet. *Sigh* I know I'm getting better, but I'm feeling like I just am not making the progress I would like. Still, it's progress and I have to recognise that.

Bullied about bullying?

So, I've been accused of being a bully. Which is interesting if only because I've never been accused of it before. That and the accuser only has one instance that she claims I bullied someone. I posted a contrary opinion to someone and said that I didn't see where she was coming from in an accusation she made. This apparently is bullying. Funnily though, the accuser then proceeded to not only bully me, but tried to defend their own bullying behaviour as just fair play because I had allegedly chased a bunch of people away with my meanness.

It's important to note here that I've been called one of the nicest posters on that site. Ironic, eh?

Well, unfortunately I let this person get to me for a bit. Then I got mad, then I just decided she wasn't worth it. She's obviously full of hate and isn't interested in people at all. Funny since she's supposedly a nurse. I wouldn't want her as one of mine, that's for sure.

Seriously though, are we in high school? Do I have to agree with someone 100% of the time to be seen as okay or nice or good? If so, screw you. Indeed, screw you. Grow the heck up. How freaking boring to always agree with everyone.

I am a nice person. If you have issues with me, pm me. Don't run away, tell a bunch of other people then expect me to be psychic and somehow know that I said something that upset you. How childish! I can't deal with things I don't know about. Grow up, get a backbone and tell me how I offended and personally ripped you apart with a statement you didn't agree with. Don't run to your friends to have them do it for you.

What this comes down to, I don't need the kind of negativity that this person brought to my life. She's mean, she's cruel and she thinks that she's all that and a bag of chips. Well, she's now on ignore and I don't need to know what she saying because if she IS saying anything, it isn't worth reading.

Feeling Discouraged

So, we're planning our vow renewal. And now I'm not sure how I feel. I love him, that's not the ish at all. That hasn't changed. What's changed is that I know there are a number of people that think wedding renewals are tacky. Especially the kind we were planning. Plus, our guest list just went from about 75 to 30. We really aren't friends with anyone anymore. All the people we went to school with, they're all single, have wandered off, and really haven't been there for us at all. There are a handful, they're still on the now almost non-existent guest list. But it just goes to show how isolated I really am. And how few friends I have.

That and I don't want to be seen as trying to capture something that I "missed the boat" on. Yes, I want to wear a beautiful wedding gown. I don't see why it should matter that I want to do that. I don't see why it should matter that I want a reception and a sort of wedding. Who does it hurt for me to have those when we didn't have them the first time? But still, I feel like crap that I'll be seen as tacky and greedy for wanting and having this. Even if there is a request for no gifts. Why is it so tacky to share my feelings about my husband with family and friends (the few I have).

No one in either of our families were at our first wedding. I wore a crappy dress from my closet and we had pizza at a local restaurant afterward. Why is it so bad to want my family to be there? Why is it so awful to ask my dad to walk me down the aisle to meet my hubby and tell everyone how much I love him and our children and appreciate all of their support for us and our marriage?

Ten years is pretty significant nowadays and now I feel like a piece of garbage for wanting this.

I'm sure that wasn't the intention of the people who called it tacky, but it's how I feel. And I want to cry.

First Day of School 2009

So, the monkeys went to school today for the first time this school year. It was nice to get the break that school provides, but I missed them. I wish we had done more over the summer. The weather wasn't the greatest, but my issues made this summer crappy IMHO. If I could have handled being outside more we could have gone out more. The kids didn't really get to go swimming because I couldn't take being out in the open. Not really the greatest feeling knowing that summer was pretty much zorched due to my problems. Hopefully things will be much better next summer.



I also found my confidence took quite a hit in the last 48 hours. I thought I was looking pretty darned good. And certain others were quite supportive. But one person's opinion managed to get under my skin and made me feel like a fat, ugly, wrinkly piece of crap when I'm not like that at all. At least I don't think I am. I've been told that I look very young and most people wouldn't guess anywhere close to my age. But I guess no woman likes to be told that she's starting to age a lot.



Here's a pic, you be the judge: