What does it take to get help?

It took me days to get up the courage to pick up the phone and BEG for someone to see me. I was told that the nurse would call me back since the new psychiatrist isn't even there until August. I've heard nothing back. I cried when I talked to them. I feel like I'm going to end up back in the hospital. This time not because I asked to be. They just don't seem to get it. Or to care. FFS, you're in the Mental Health Care field. Don't make me feel like I'm an imposition to you. Don't cut me off when I'm giving you information you asked for. Please take me seriously enough to give me some freaking dignity!

I don't even know if I have enough in me to call again. And I know I need to. I don't want to saddle my friends and family with my despondency. I don't. I also don't really feel like I can anyway. I'm such a freaking needy piece of crap. That's what I feel right now. I'm lost and I'm losing. I should be happy right now. Things are going well.

So, why am I so screwed up? Why am I feeling this way? I know it's the bipolar and the depression. But why me? Why does this have to keep happening? Who did I piss off in another life to get this crappy hand dealt to me? Why can't I just be a happy, healthy wife and mother of two? Why can't I just be normal? Average? Sane?

Where the hell am I? Who the hell am I?

I've been outspoken in the past about mental health. But you know what? That was when I was pretty healthy. People are willing to listen to you then. Once the bad things start happening, ears and minds close. People don't really want to deal with the mentally ill when their illness has hold. They really don't. And it's so hard to feel like I have anywhere to turn. I see posts in the new forum asking for help, but they are asking about normal, everyday clinical depression. They aren't people screaming out for help.

And I don't want to put out more of myself. Not when I know at least one person has spent a good deal of her time reading through everything I've ever posted and judging everything I say and do. I have no idea why she feels the need to do it, but she's more or less straight out told me she does. I don't feel safe asking for help. I don't even know why I still go there. I care for some of the people. I do. But there are many I couldn't give a crap about and others who have gone out of their way to hurt me.

I also don't want to kick off some kind of freak out with people thinking I'm going to hurt myself. I've seen that happen on WB and on the new forum. But I don't want that. I don't need that. I don't want to frighten people and have people feel sorry for me. I don't want pity. I want help. Help that the people on these sites can't give me. I want to be heard by the fucking establishment. I want to be well. I don't want to be a drain on my family and friends.

I've finally hit the point that I'm asking for help. I NEED HELP! Why does it have to be so god-damned hard to get it?

SOMEONE HELP ME! PLEASE!

Help me...

I'm falling. And I don't know if I can get up.