She's gone

My stepmother Martha passed away this morning at 10:45 EST in Etobicoke, Ontario. She was 53 years young.

She apparently had a very rough night last night (she lost most of her blood last night), but was in high spirits this morning. She had her last rights and was insistent that she didn't want to be hooked up to machines. She's no longer in pain now. That's a blessing.

I'll miss her immensely even though I hadn't really talked much to her or the rest of the fam that frequently. I've never been really good at picking up the phone. And I always feel awkward talking to anyone on the phone.

I'm not sure whether or not I'm going down there. I have the option, it'll be paid for. But I have nowhere to stay and there isn't going to be a funeral. I get the feeling that dad and Louis (my brother) don't really want anyone to come down. If I can't I'm going to have to come up with some way to say my goodbyes and let her go.

I'm also worried about Kita and Rina (my kids). This is their first relative that has passed. I don't know how much they will understand. And how much they'll grieve. You see, they never met Grandma Martha. They'd talked to her on the phone, they've seen old pictures of her (from when I was a child). But they really didn't know her. They never met her. And the only opportunity Kita would have had, she wouldn't remember anyway.

I suppose I'm overanalysing. Right now it's keeping me together. I'm on an emotional roller-coaster and I have no idea when the next dip or hill is.